Remembering

Well, it’s been 19 years but it feel like only yesterday. May 14, 1988. A day I’d like to forget. A day I’ve TRIED to forget. But it only takes a small reminder, a simple noise or smell, and it’s like I’m there again. I was 12. The youth group from the church I had been attending was returning from a day trip to Kings Island in Ohio. A drunk driver hit us head-on and the bus burst into flames. 40 of us made it out. 24 kids and 3 adults (including our youth minister) did not. I often wonder about them. I wonder who they would be had they been allowed to continue their lives. What great things would they have done? I know that they would still be here if it was part of God’s plan, but I can’t help but wonder why He took them. And why He didn’t take me. One of the hardest things for me to grasp is that there are things we cannot understand. No matter how I look at it, it doesn’t make sense. Not to my imperfect human mind.
Over the last 19 years I have experienced many emotions including relief (to still be alive and physically unharmed), sadness (for the friends I lost, both in the fire and in the emotional aftermath), disbelief, resentment, empowerment, acceptance and anger. Boy did I have anger. I was angry at the man who caused the wreck (although he was the first to receive my forgiveness). I was angry at myself for not helping anyone else, for not knowing what to do, for thinking only of my own safety. I was mad at people who asked stupid questions and angry at people who didn’t ask any. I was angry. But most of all, I was angry at God. How could He let this happen? How could He let His children suffer such horrible deaths? Why didn’t He protect us? How . . .? Why . . .? I was so angry that I turned away. I questioned so much. I had so many doubts. And since I didn’t understand, since I COULDN’T understand, I gave up.
The amazing thing is He didn’t give up on me! He never left me. Even as I questioned Him and doubted Him, He was with me. While I was angry, He was forgiving. While I was disobedient, He was showing Grace. He never left me. And for that I will be forever thankful.
I am back on the right track now. I still don’t understand. I probably never will. But I know that He is with me, no matter what, and that’s all I need to know.